Safe Passage by Molly Fumia

I've been skimming through this book called Safe passage. A friend gave this too me and some things I don't find inspiring or interesting but there are a few passages that I absolutly love and it makes it all worth it too read.


"We cannot avoid change, nor can we protect ourselves from it. We can only accept the inevitable----that things will change----and decide to embrace the categories of large and small rather than bad and good."

"Life will not go on in he same way without him. If it were the same, we could only conclude his life meant nothing, made no conribution. The fact that he left behind a place that cannot be filled is a high tribute to the uniqueness of his soul."

These are just a few of the passages and if your needed some help with grieving this book is amazing. I skip though it and find something remarkable all the time.

Live, Love, Laugh

So it's been awhile since i've written. Well there definatly is some good reasons why. And some are more difficult to explain then others. I guess I never knew how numb I really was. Life was just a function and I functioned for my kids. I wasn't even cooking dinner really. I realized this because when I did start cooking again, Samantha was so appreciative and shocked that I was actually going to cook something. I guess I didn't cook because, why should I. Ted wasn't here to eat it. My son doesn't eat what I cook usually (he is very picky) So it was just Sam and I.
Anyways, I was in limbo stuck in pergatory while taking care of Ted. That is not to say I didn't want to take care of him. I wouldn't have changed anything other then the damn Cancer. I"m not angry with Ted, just the Cancer. It is an awful beast. When Ted past, I thought I was free from pergatory. I thought I could move forward and live again. I was so numb that I didn't even know how numb I was. Things happened in December that I barely remember happening. I think I was on auto drive. January was a little better but I think I was fooling myself. I took a temp Job towards the end of January. It was a very stressful admin asst. Job. I should have been able to handle it without a problem. Well after about a week. Fustration turned to meltdown, and when I say meltdown. Yup, I cried and cried. I ended up quitting that job. Not something I did lightly. But for my sanity and health I needed too. That had to be the bottom for me. I needed to do something and I did.
Did you know that when a spouse dies, friends die too? That just adds to the pergatory of this beast. I can't say they were all actual friends, but I do know who my real friends are. I do know who my family is. I love my family and friends. I don't know if I could have made it past pergatory if it wasn't for them supporting me. Yes I did say I made it past pergatory. I'm not in heaven, i'm back here on earth. Learning how to live again, love again, and Laugh again. I love that saying and it's my logo. Live well, laugh often, love much. I loved Ted so very much and that will never change.
With so many people gone from my life and my life just feeling pointless, I met a new friend. It was so unintentional, so at the right time in my life. I needed a new friend. Someone who wasn't part of the insanity of it all. I don't think I was looking. Maybe I was, I was looking for something but not sure what it was that I needed. I think Ted knew what I needed. I think, no, I know he played a big part in helping me heal. To pull me out of this pergatory, sinking ship of a life I was in. Some may not believe but Ted has always been around me since he passed. Except for the short trips to Atlantic city, and the poker game in the big sky. He was there with me when I cried myself to sleep at night. He and God helped me, sent me what I needed to be whole again for myself and my kids.
Some may believe that it is too soon to have a new friend in my life right now. I may lose more friends over this. But that is ok, because those who judge me without walking a day in my shoes is not my friend. Those who know me, I am not a judgemental person. So I expect that back of my friends and family. I know that is a little nieve. But after what I have been through, what i have endured, what I have seen.....unless you have....you can't judge me.
So life has changed around here....well not changed. I don't think that is the right word. I guess you can say that we are moving forward. We left pergatory, we are moving forward and begining to live strong again. Now...if that isn't what Ted wanted for me.....then your all stupid. Because he believed in moving forward and living strong.

The BUTT Tree

Ok, so for many of you who where at the service or even if you weren't there. I have to explain about a tree. This tree that Ted had seen and said it looked like a butt. He called it the butt tree. So poetic for someone who had colon cancer. To have a tree that looks like a butt at their service. He new this was his place to have the service. It was beautiful and well there was a butt. During the ulogy Anne mentioned it and some people did not see it and asked me about it later. Because it was facing the other way, away from the guest. So unless you walked around it you would not have seen it. So here it is:









Now tell me that isn't sooooo TED!

Time

Well it's been almost 2 months since Ted passed. Wow, it's amazing and so sad. Things keep moving on and changing but he still isn't here. What an odd feeling that is. Today Kyle got his license. Yeah! So happy for him, so Sad that Ted isn't here for this. Kyle says he was there for him though. Well I know I haven't written in a long while. I needed time to get some stuff together. I just got my dresser moved back to the original place, since we had to move it for the hospital bed. It's nice having a normal room again. For the last 5 years the room had been filled with drugs, bandages and whatever else Ted needed. I have an urge to make it a girly room. I haven't had one of those since I was a teenager. I moved out of my house when I was 19 and moved in with Ted. So I've actually never lived bymyself before. Well I guess I'm still not, I have my kids. Thank god for my kids. Christmas was a blurr and i'm glad it's over. We did visit family in NY and NJ. We had seen them only weeks before but it was good not to be home. I'm starting to find things in my kitchen again from having so many people in and out over the last few months. It's actually kinda comical when I find something and i'm like....wow that's where you been. I also have some leftover stuff....I have a clear dinner plate that I think someone brought over with food on. I have NO idea who's this is. Will someone please claim it.

I started college this semester, just one class in accounting. I figure it's a start. They have a program called Career Studies: Supervisory Management. It's a 2 semester course and I'll get a certificate. Kinda like an add on to my associates. I just want to up my game a little and I don't want to be an admin asst. I would like a more professional job. Probably in Human Resources. Well we will see what comes along. Just know we are hanging in and doing ok.

The Service

The Service was beautiful. It was held on December 6th. The day started out chilly and ended up being 52 and sunny. As the service started with a beautiful Eulogy by our therapist, you could feel the sun shine and you could hear Ted saying...."Nice turnout!" I had asked the Hospice Chaplain to say a few words also....nothing religous, but he cracked jokes that Ted would have loved. I should get a copy of them from him and post them. A few storys were told and people spoke highly of Ted. Some people wished they had known him better, some wished they had seen him before he passed. But one thing was for sure he would be missed. There was a labrynth and peolple chose a rock that Ted had picked out and took the journey of the labrynth....till they all got stuck in the middle and laughed...cause you know Ted was laughing at them. I didn't get to say hi to everyone that i wanted to. It was so crazy and such a mixed up day. We arrived home to a house full of people. I don't think my house has ever had that many people. I don't think anyone complained. My cousin ate shrimp, he is allergic...he was fine. I think that was the only drama of the afternoon. Until I played the slide show and the the video that Ted left. Some didn't know what I was doing, and i'm sure they were shocked when he came on the TV and said It's time to party. Well something like that. He made us cry, he made us laugh. In the end he said it was going to be ok. I don't know if it is ever going to be ok. But it will be what it will be. The three of us will survivie, we will move on. I know that Ted is there, he is watching over us. He loved us with all he had and if he had a choice he wouldn't have left us.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. We are going to try. Love to all. Karen and the kids.

If anyone wants to sign the guest book, please go to Pilotonline.com or timesunion.com and go to obits and then onto the guestbook and search "schetzel". I would appreciate it very much. Thanks again.

Cancer Journey

Hi Everyone, I know I haven't blogged inawhile. I've had lots of company. It's just me and kids right now. I"m getting alot of paper work and stuff done. I made a video for the service, it was pictures from the last 5 years. The first year was pretty much healthy, even though he had the cancer and didn't know it. But it does show how much fun we had as a family. I don't expect everyone to watch it. It is long at 21 minutes and especially long if you have no idea who these people are. LOL But I wanted to throw it out there. Did you know you can't post a video longer then 10 minutes on You Tube. Luckily.....Myspace to the rescue. I will be posting about the service soon.

Check out this video: Teds Cancer Journey

Online Guest Book

I decided not to have an actual guest book at the service. The www.pilotonline.com and the www.timesunion.com have a guest book attached to the obituary. You just have to click on the guest book and type in the last name schetzel. In a few months or so I will order the book from the company that sponsers it and I hope to have some really nice notes and memories about Ted.

We are all doing ok. Looking forward to family coming in. It will definatly help and the service will too. Life is definatly different and strange without Ted. We are all missing him more then we thought possible. Everytime we eat something that was his favorite or watch a tv show that he is missing it just breaks our hearts over and over. Im sure time will heal this and having you all in our life will help too. Thank you.