So it's been awhile since i've written. Well there definatly is some good reasons why. And some are more difficult to explain then others. I guess I never knew how numb I really was. Life was just a function and I functioned for my kids. I wasn't even cooking dinner really. I realized this because when I did start cooking again, Samantha was so appreciative and shocked that I was actually going to cook something. I guess I didn't cook because, why should I. Ted wasn't here to eat it. My son doesn't eat what I cook usually (he is very picky) So it was just Sam and I.
Anyways, I was in limbo stuck in pergatory while taking care of Ted. That is not to say I didn't want to take care of him. I wouldn't have changed anything other then the damn Cancer. I"m not angry with Ted, just the Cancer. It is an awful beast. When Ted past, I thought I was free from pergatory. I thought I could move forward and live again. I was so numb that I didn't even know how numb I was. Things happened in December that I barely remember happening. I think I was on auto drive. January was a little better but I think I was fooling myself. I took a temp Job towards the end of January. It was a very stressful admin asst. Job. I should have been able to handle it without a problem. Well after about a week. Fustration turned to meltdown, and when I say meltdown. Yup, I cried and cried. I ended up quitting that job. Not something I did lightly. But for my sanity and health I needed too. That had to be the bottom for me. I needed to do something and I did.
Did you know that when a spouse dies, friends die too? That just adds to the pergatory of this beast. I can't say they were all actual friends, but I do know who my real friends are. I do know who my family is. I love my family and friends. I don't know if I could have made it past pergatory if it wasn't for them supporting me. Yes I did say I made it past pergatory. I'm not in heaven, i'm back here on earth. Learning how to live again, love again, and Laugh again. I love that saying and it's my logo. Live well, laugh often, love much. I loved Ted so very much and that will never change.
With so many people gone from my life and my life just feeling pointless, I met a new friend. It was so unintentional, so at the right time in my life. I needed a new friend. Someone who wasn't part of the insanity of it all. I don't think I was looking. Maybe I was, I was looking for something but not sure what it was that I needed. I think Ted knew what I needed. I think, no, I know he played a big part in helping me heal. To pull me out of this pergatory, sinking ship of a life I was in. Some may not believe but Ted has always been around me since he passed. Except for the short trips to Atlantic city, and the poker game in the big sky. He was there with me when I cried myself to sleep at night. He and God helped me, sent me what I needed to be whole again for myself and my kids.
Some may believe that it is too soon to have a new friend in my life right now. I may lose more friends over this. But that is ok, because those who judge me without walking a day in my shoes is not my friend. Those who know me, I am not a judgemental person. So I expect that back of my friends and family. I know that is a little nieve. But after what I have been through, what i have endured, what I have seen.....unless you have....you can't judge me.
So life has changed around here....well not changed. I don't think that is the right word. I guess you can say that we are moving forward. We left pergatory, we are moving forward and begining to live strong again. Now...if that isn't what Ted wanted for me.....then your all stupid. Because he believed in moving forward and living strong.
